Thanks to jm for beta'ing this story!
ONE SIZE FITS ALL
by Farfalla the Butterfly-Kitten
Riker/Troi humor, R
blueberrysnail @ yahoo.com
Captain Riker sat at his desk opening the mail his yeoman had brought from their recent stop at
Starbase F. He had started with the obviously business-related items, not wanting to acknowledge the
shoebox-shaped package until the yeoman had left. He didn't want to arouse her curiosity by drawing
her attention to it any further than it already had by having her bring it to his ready room.
But now she was gone, off to find him another pair of socks (his socks, he'd discovered, both had
holes--and not just the ones you put your feet in!). It was finally time to open the package and
"Flexi-Form Nerve-Detecting Polymer Artificial Phallus--One Size Fits All!" said the package, once
he'd taken it out of its unassuming cardboard box. In other words, a dildo. Well, not just A dildo,
but a pretty damn GOOD dildo--the most high-tech he'd ever heard of. It was from a Vulcan company on
Risa, which explained the annoyingly scientific nature of the name--although Flexi-Form had a
nifty-ring to it.
The idea behind Flexi-Form was that this dildo, using scientific principles he'd never had explained
to him, could sense just where its user's most sensitive places were, and reshape itself to target
them. When Deanna would use the toy, it would automatically mold itself to provide the best possible
stimulation for her g-spot. Now, wasn't that a fun birthday present?
It didn't look like a dildo. It actually looked more like a candle--but he supposed the wicklike
structure at the tip to be the sensory area so bragged about on the packaging.
Riker decided he had better get the Flexi-Form out of its conspicuous packaging before somebody
walked in and caught him with it. The packaging certainly looked more salacious than the item
itself--on it, two denizens of low-budget porn cheerfully illustrated the dildo's features.
He liberated the dildo from its packaging, and fed the cardboard and plastic into the recycler.
Tucking the gift into his jacket to take to their quarters after lunch, he headed out the door bound
for the Olympian Room, the Titan's version of Ten-Forward. He could have eaten in the ready room,
but he liked the hustle and bustle of the restaurant, which was named hellenically like everything
else on board the ship.
He had just stepped off the lift onto the deck where the Olympian room was when his communicator
sounded. "This is the captain," he said, tapping the gadget on his chest.
"Captain Riker, this is the bridge," said his first officer's voice. "We are picking up signs of a
rapidly-moving cluster of unknown subatomic particles. It's heading towards the ship, sir."
"Any idea if it's threatening us?" Riker immediately whirled around and stepped back into the lift.
In his haste he completely missed the dildo slipping deftly out of his jacket pocket and onto the
deck, where it rolled into a corner. The lift closed with him inside of it, his mind occupied on the
problems of his duty and his rumbling stomach. He'd have to have the yeoman bring his lunch to the
The Flexi-Form rested in the corner of the room for twenty minutes or so, acclimating its
temperature to the ambient air.
Mert was a little Bolian girl at the development level of childhood Humans would have placed around
six years of age. Her parents were eating lunch in the Olympian Room, and they'd sent her back to
their cabin to retrieve a capsule of digestive aid for her father. Lunch didn't always agree with
him. Lunch agreed with her very much, however--she'd already had two helpings of Delovian
As she passed the lift in the center of the deck, she noticed the strange blue object lying in the
corner. It attracted her attention mostly because it was blue--just like she was. Hardly anything on
most of the ship was a bright color like electric blue, so she always noticed it.
She picked it up and examined it under the light. It looked like a Bolian animal called a tiso, and
she didn't have a toy yet in her collection. This one would fit in perfectly! She could use it to
have fights with her toy baka. What fun this would be!
She toddled back to her parent's cabin to find the antacid tablets, the toy tiso clutched in one
chubby hand. It never occurred to her that the object might belong to anybody or be anything
important, because, of course, on such a big fancy ship with such smart grownups all over the place,
somebody would have found it by now if it was important or expensive, right?
While she was in the cabin she remembered to grab the baka as well as the medicine, so she could
play nature show with her toys on the table when she got back to the Olympian Room.
"Grr! Rr!" Now she was sitting back at the table, a dish of ice cream melting in front of her as she
acted out one of the Great Battles of Nature she'd seen on one of her mother's Bolian vids.
Tisoes have white whiskers, and this model had lovely ones. In reality, it was the sensor of the
dildo's highly advanced nerve-reading system, but if Mert wanted them to be whiskers, then whiskers
they would be.
"Mert! Take your toys and let's go! Daddy has to get back to work and I want to lie down." Mommy had
just finished an eight-hour shift, so she deserved her break. Mert scooped up her little animals and
tripped happily down the hallway after her parents.
When they got back to their cabin, Mommy went to the pile of cushions they slept on, like all
Bolians, and promptly fell asleep. Mert hovered around her for a few minutes to make sure she was
really snoring, and then snuck out of the cabin. She knew Mommy wouldn't let her play outside in the
hallway by herself if she were awake, but she was sure if she was extra careful and came home after
a few minutes, nothing bad would happen.
Just in case, she brought the toy tiso along with her for extra protection.
She didn't go that far from her parents' cabin, because she knew she'd have to hurry back before
long. It didn't matter--there was always somewhere interesting to explore, something interesting
going on to watch.
A lift was open, so she squeezed into it before the door shut. The crewmembers inside were only
going to the next floor down, so Mert got off with them and looked for something with which to amuse
A man in an engineering uniform was tinkering with the wall. He had removed part of the paneling in
order to repair something underneath.
Mert stood near him for a few minutes, watching him work. He was probably a Vulcan--pointy ears like
a teswa, shiny black hair, and he wasn't smiling. Not that people usually smiled while soldering, of
course, but Daddy smiled a lot when HE was working...
"Hey! Why is that kid wandering around in here by herself?" someone shouted at the far end of the
corridor. A few crewmembers stopped what they were doing and turned to look straight at Mert.
Knowing she would be in trouble if grownups brought her home because Mommy would find out she'd been
out of the cabin without permission, Mert made a break for the lift and hurried back home as fast as
she could. She was all the way back and inside, breathing heavily, before she realized she'd dropped
the toy tiso near the Vulcan engineer.
Oh, well. Easy come, easy go. At least now she knew what she could ask Mommy and Daddy to buy her
for her next birthday.
Back on the floor she had fled, the Vulcan engineer called Salak stepped back from the wall and
inspected his handiwork. A perfect repair--executed with careful precision and patient skill. In a
human, this would have been vanity. For him, it was merely the logical recognition of the truth.
He bent down to deposit the tools in his hand into the carrying case by his feet. Immediately, his
eyes fell upon a blue object lying askew amidst the tools.
It didn't look familiar to him, but engineers on different shifts shared tool chests to maximize
equipment productivity. Most likely it was some local device brought on board by an engineer from
It never crossed his mind that it might be something other than an engineering
hardware tool, because logically, nobody would put anything else into an engineering hardware tool
He picked the item up and studied it. It appeared to be constructed of some complex polymer that
would conform to pressure from the fingers if persistent. There was a small circle at the base which
was separate from the rest of the unit. He rotated the circle slightly and the object began to
Ah. It was for smoothing, then--for shaving off the tiny jagged edges and lumpy particles leftover
after a welding or patching job. He had just completed such a job, and this seemed a perfect
opportunity to investigate the usefulness of the alien tool.
He adjusted the rotating dial slightly to increase the pulse of the vibration, then held it
carefully to the two wires he'd just joined. The tool adapted to its purpose, smoothing the seam
with quick efficiency.
Salak nodded with appreciation as he deposited the tool in the tool chest, closed the chest, and
walked off towards the hub of engineering. He was done with work for the day, and he and his
bondmate T'Lo had a date for a late lunch in the Olympian Room before he began his nightly study.
Today's subject: Ancient Klingon language lessons.
He left his tool chest in its usual place in Engineering, carefully checked off on the computer that
it had been returned, and headed for lunch.
Five minutes later, another engineer came to collect the tools. When she opened the chest to check
its contents, her eyes immediately fell on the strange blue object. "What the fuck--?"
She picked it up and turned it around in her hand. Why was there a dildo in the tool chest?
"Lieutenant Barilla, do you have the time?"
She whirled around, flustered at the inquisitive voice. It belonged to a particularly unsavory
colleague of hers, male, with a tendency toward boosting his own ego at the sacrifice of others'
dignity. She didn't relish running into him at all, and if he found her standing there holding a
bright blue dildo--
"Fifteen oh five, Lieutenant," she answered, shoving the dildo on the far side of a raised display
panel behind her. Then she beat a hasty retreat.
Down a half a level in the center of the room, Lieutenant George Cloud stood before the warp core's
main reactor, studying its readouts with a growing scowl. It hadn't started from nothing--Cloud's
countenance of perpetual gloom had only been further darkened by what the indicator showed.
A woman with brunette pigtails walked up to the railings above him and leaned over. "Hey, Cloud!"
"Hello, Ensign Rosen. To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Barilla told me to come over here and see if you needed help. There some kind of emergency?"
"Isn't there always," Cloud drawled in his characteristic disappointed-sounding British.
The woman swung her body over the railings and landed next to him on the platform. "Those from the
reactor?" she said, gawking at the readings.
Cloud nodded. "Apparently the high-speed particles we were monitoring passed through the ship and
caused microscopic tears in the atomic structure of our equipment."
"Not good." Rosen made a face. "Can we patch it up?"
"Well, I'm trying, but one of the microscopic tears has the potential to become a macroscopic
"Tear," Rosen repeated dumbly.
"There's going to be a hole in the reactor." Cloud verified her unspoken conclusion with bitter
"We gotta patch it up."
Cloud squinted harder at the screen. "We need to get a piece of malleable sealant around the
structure of the unit before the tear can grow towards any of the molecular seams."
"Malleable sealant--coming right up." Rosen hoisted herself up over the rails with gymnastic
strength and flurried around the engineering room.
Her eyes fell upon a blue object resting on a control panel. She picked it up and it changed shape
almost instantly in her sweaty hand. "Hey, how about this?" she asked as she landed back on the
depressed platform in the room's center.
Cloud looked at the dildo. "Evadne, what the devil is that?"
Rosen shrugged. "It changed shape in my hand. Look." She pulled the object away from her skin and
showed him how the sensors had rearranged its structure to conform even to the very lifelines in her
"Pretty cool stuff," Cloud was forced to admit with an impressed nod of the head. "Well, let's get
to work. We've got to get this fixative in place to hold the seam together while we repair the
molecular damage, or Captain's wife's gonna have a nasty shock instead of a birthday present."
"Oh, is it her birthday today?"
"That indeed it is." Cloud wedged the... fixative... into the tiny breach in the reactor, and bent
his head in closer to shape it more carefully. "Heard 'er talking about it in the Olympian room
yesterday." He paused. "Would you do me a favor and wipe my brow?" Sweat rimmed his face from
standing so close to the reactor, even though it was shielded.
"When's your birthday, George?" Rosen asked as she obliged him.
"I can't remember."
Rosen rolled her eyes. "Is it working?"
"Seems to be." Cloud stood back and admired his handiwork. "That'll hold until I can get the tears
patched. Looks like it could hold for days!"
Rosen went to get him the rest of his equipment, and he spent the remainder of the afternoon
repairing the breach for real. When he was done, he popped the misshapen blue object out of its
hiding place and handed it back to Rosen. "Held much longer against the heat than any other
temporary fixative I've ever seen," he remarked. "Lucky you found it."
"I've never seen it before." Rosen played with it casually, unconsciously returning it to its
natural shape. "You off shift now?"
They left engineering together. "How's the book coming along?" Rosen asked as the lift stopped at
the Olympian Room. Cloud was working on a long, involved bit of writing detailing holodeck
malfunctions, the more dramatically disastrous, the better.
"Actually, quite well," Cloud began, and proceeded to captivate Rosen to the degree that she didn't
notice the blue object fall neatly from her tool belt, where she had placed it almost without
They stepped out of the lift, leaving the poor little dildo behind.
The lift began to move. It opened again at the bridge, where Captain Riker was standing officiously.
He was finally ready to go to his cabin, eat some dinner, and spend some time with his wife on her
birthday. "Deck Six," he commanded after stepping into the lift.
He took off his jacket and wiped his face thoroughly. It had been a trying day, but luckily, his
best people in engineering had been able to fix all of the shipwide problems caused by the
high-speed mystery particles. Now, the science team could spend their next few days analyzing the
data collected so that the nature of the particles wouldn't be unknown any longer.
The jacket slipped from his sweaty hand to the floor, and fell in a crisp, starched heap.
"How'd you fall out?" he asked the dildo when he discovered it hiding under the fallen jacket.
Forgetting the incident nearly as soon as it was over, he carefully replaced the dildo to its former
nest in his jacket pocket.
Just to make sure, he quickly checked his other pocket to make sure the Deltan chocolates were still
"Happy Birthday, Imzadi!" He burst through his cabin door with a grin. Deanna was already dressed
for an elegant dinner in a gorgeous black evening gown, and she returned his grin with a smile and a
hug. "I've got presents!"
"Ooh!" she exclaimed as he popped chocolates into her mouth.
"There's more. Look at this." He took the dildo out of his pocket and her eyes sparkled with
mischievous interest. "It's the latest technology--conforms itself to fit just where you need it to.
Brand new out of the packaging."