"Old MacDonald had a farm," sang Jim Kirk.
Disclaimer: There's no way in hell Paramount wants anything to do with this story, trust me :P
Summary: Kirk and Spock talk about the animal kingdom
E I E I O
by Farfalla the Butterfly-Kitten
blueberrysnail @ yahoo.com
Kirk/Spock; rated G
"Excuse me? The sign says 'MacDonald's Pier'."
"It's just an old Earth folk song. We teach it to kids so they learn the noises of the barnyard animals."
Spock looked attentive. Anything exotic and educational piqued his interest. "Will you please continue?"
"Singing? Okay, but now that I know you're listening, I might get nervous."
"Jim Kirk does not get stage fright."
"Not in front of his spouse on a deserted wharf."
"No, I suppose not." Jim gazed out at the water, deciding which animal with which to begin. "Old MacDonald had a farm, E I E I O."
"E--I-- What do those sounds mean?"
"Nonsense syllables. Filler."
"Ah. In other words, pure music."
"And on that farm, he had some--pigs, E I E I O."
"He was apparently not Jewish or Muslim."
"With a name like MacDonald, I think that's a given."
"Lieutenant MacGillivray is Muslim," Spock pointed out.
"You've got me there. Anyway, E I E I O. With an oink oink here and an oink oink there--"
"Oink. The sound a pig makes."
"Pigs do not create an oink. They--" Here, Spock let out a startlingly accurate porcine squeal.
"That was--that was." Jim nodded, unable to produce a comment that topped Spock's performance.
"I assume saying oink is easier for most humans than duplicating the noise precisely," said Spock.
"Yes," said Kirk. "We tend to do that with a lot of animals--dog barks are spelled woof, cats say meow... and it's different in other languages. A rooster's crow in Germany is kickeriki."
"Fascinating," said Spock. "So the song really is not educational at all."
"It does teach the names of the animals in the barnyard," Kirk pointed out.
"Is the MacDonals song ever applied to creatures of the wild?" Spock asked, looking out into the bay.
"What--do you mean, say, on his farm he had an elephant or something? Sure, kids stick their favorites in there all the time, even if it's totally wrong for a farm."
"Old MacDonald had a farm, E I E I O," Spock sang, a little softly with uncertainty. "And on that farm, for whatever particular reason of his own, he had a hippopotamus, E I E I O."
"A hippo?" Jim waited for Spock to imitate a hippo noise, the nature of which was completely a mystery to him."
"With a--" and Spock laughed a deep, bass belly laugh, demonic and measured and not at all Vulcan.
"Hippos *do* that??"
"They are very territorial animals," Spock commented. "They are more dangerous to human life than alligators, a predator species, even though they are vegetarian themselves." He would never have admitted it, but he looked a little smug--being a no-nonsense vegetarian himself.
"Hey, what about the sea lions?" Kirk asked, pointing at the golden-brown animals sunning themselves on a far-off rocky island. "Urk urk urk!"
"On his farm he had some tribbles," Jim sang.
"How unfortunate for his livelihood," Spock quipped dryly.
"In this case, I believe that if this wharf is a farm of any kind, MacDonald's chief crop is kelp," said Spock.
"Can you do anything with that?"
"Thickener for many Earth desserts is formed from kelp constituents."
"There's seaweed in my ice cream?"
"Hey, what if Old MacDonald had a Vulcan on his farm?" Jim asked playfully.
"Then I would consider him a fortunate individual."
"You would, wouldn't you." Kirk smirked. "Now, what sound does a Vulcan make?"
"That depends on what we are doing."
"Mm. Well, how about now?" Jim kissed him lightly on the lips, teasingly.
"In that case, we do not make any sound at all, because it is illogical to attempt to speak when one's mouth is full."
Spock proceeded to render himself satisfyingly silent, while in the bay, the sea lions urked in approval.