Title: Flower Power
Codes: U/Che, K/S, Sulu
Rating: NC-17, but only in a few parts
Email: blueberrysnail at yahoo dot com
Beta: Leiabelle, who wanted me to write her some het J
Disclaimer: The entire Trek universe belongs to Paramount
and will not suffer much from the poking and prodding of our curious collective
imaginations. We mean our beloved characters no harm and think that quite
possibly they enjoy the variety ;-)
Summary: While the crew is on shore leave at an alien version of Mardi Gras, Uhura, Chekov, and Sulu are amused by their two commanding officers' romance.... until their own antics accidentally threaten to ruin the entire evening for everyone!
This is the color-coded version!!
Purple text denotes het smut;
Green text denotes slashy smut.
"Wow," breathed Lt. Uhura, her eyes gleaming in the reflected light of the planet's pink sunset and hundreds of glowing yellow and orange lighted street decorations. She and her two companions had beamed down directly into a small square in one of the capital city's many parks. A statue dedicated to some long deceased hero of the planet stood proudly in its center, draped for the season with a necklace of yellow flowers. Hundreds of beings, natives and some alien visitors like themselves, swarmed around the park in the city's streets, hurrying from exhibit to restaurant to free outdoor concert, each enjoying his or her own tailor-made version of the perfect festival.
Chekov was speechless. Sulu's eyes were darting everywhere, like dragonflies. Since both of the men seemed to be too awestruck to move, Uhura spoke up. "I don't know about you two, but I've suddenly realized how hungry I am."
"There's a restaurant over there," pointed Chekov.
"Look! They've set up a whole rainbow made out of cut fruits and vegetables," Sulu exclaimed.
"How creative!" said Uhura as they hurried over. "I'm impressed that they managed to find so much *blue*..."
"It's from the planet's native skyroot plant," offered Sulu the botanist helpfully. "Looks like a blue carrot, but tastes like a radish."
"Thenks for the varning," said Chekov-- not a big fan of radishes.
As they approached, they heard a familiar voice say, "Fascinating. They have duplicated the spectrum of visible light, using native vegetables."
"I wonder what these orange things are?" asked the voice that predictably followed, that of Captain Kirk. "They look like tomatoes."
"Persimmons, Captain. It appears that convergent evolution has created a fruit on this planet that is identical to the one found on your world." Kirk tried to take a bite out of the fruit, but Spock stopped his arm with his hand. "I would advise against that, Captain. This fruit is of a variety that is astringent when hard, and the effects upon your mouth if it encounters the unripe pulp would be extremely unpleasant." Sulu, hovering in the background with his friends, nodded in silent agreement.
"Yes... well... I suppose my mouth... has better things to do than battle with unripe fruit!" The captain carefully placed the persimmon back into the display, and leaned closer as the Vulcan's arm snaked around his waist. They shared a couple of brief, sexy kisses before walking away, arm in arm, to the next display.
"Aww, aren't they sweet?" giggled Uhura. "I'm glad they didn't see us."
"I'm beginning to vish ve didn't see *zem*," said Chekov. He kept having crazy ideas flash through his head, such as suddenly dropping everything, grabbing Uhura around the waist, and kissing her until her eyelashes fluttered like aspen leaves. Seeing even *Spock* enjoying a spur-of-the-moment romantic interlude had not helped matters. "Uh... Sulu, vhat vas that about persimmons?"
"They come in two main types, astringent and nonastringent," explained Sulu. "The nonastringent ones, you can eat them like you'd eat an apple. They taste like... well, they taste like persimmon! They're very sweet. We call them 'kaki'. The astringent ones have to be almost rotten before they're bearable."
"Eww, that must be very mushy," said Uhura. "Why did they put an unripe fruit into the display?"
"Who knows," said Sulu. "Perhaps *all* the persimmons on this planet are nonastringent, even the kind that look like the astringent ones back on Earth. I still can't get over the fact that they have them here at all!"
"Well, I'd like to try it," said Uhura. "It's in the display-- there's a *chance* it could be one of the good ones, right?"
"Uh... yeah?" Sulu seemed uncertain at first, but Uhura's adventurous party-girl spirit was infectious. "Go for it, if you want to."
Uhura picked up the orange fruit and took a large bite. Instantly, she spat her mouthful out into her hand and looked around in a panic. "Dry!!!" Chekov grabbed a glass of water for her, which she chugged down eagerly.
Sulu looked on in amusement. "See what I mean?"
"That felt like my mouth had been dried out with cotton balls! All the moisture was gone!" Despite it all, Uhura was still smiling.
"Maybe the natives of this planet enjoy that feeling," suggested Chekov. "Who knows?"
"Thanks for the water, Pavel," said Uhura, smiling warmly at him. He almost fell over.
A long time later when the sky had darkened considerably, the three companions had eaten their fill and were ready to start exploring the treasures of the exhibits. "Where do you want to go first?" Uhura asked her friends.
Two men in Starfleet security red appeared at her side. "Commander Giotto!" greeted Sulu. The other two bridge staffers smiled amiably at Giotto and his friend.
"Hello, everybody. Enjoying yourselves?" asked Giotto.
Chekov nodded vigorously. "This place is spectacular!" cried Uhura.
"That's great," said Giotto. "Hey, Sulu, we're going to go see a demonstration of ancient weapons now. Do you want to come with us? It starts in ten minutes."
Sulu's face lit up at the mention of one his special interests. "Really, a demonstration? I heard they had exhibits, but I didn't know they were going to include live performances!"
"You bet! It's supposed to be really something," said Giotto's friend.
Sulu looked at Uhura and Chekov. "What were you planning on seeing first?"
"Oh, I don't know," said Uhura. "There's something over there about astronomical art." She gestured in the general direction of a large dome with several appendages.
"That's the planetarium," said Giotto. "The art exhibit they've got in there's basically different cultural renditions of the stuff up in space. Planets, stars... that kind of stuff. Me, I see enough of the real thing every day at work, but people seemed to be pretty impressed by what I've heard.”
"Sulu, why don't you go to the weapons thing and meet up with us later, in... two hours?" Uhura looked at her friend expectantly.
"It should be over by then," said Giotto.
"Sounds like a plan! Sure you don't mind me deserting you two?" asked Sulu. He looked like a hyperactive dog eager to be walked.
"Of course not! You're coming back to us, right?" said Uhura. "How will you find us?"
"Uh... Why don't I just call Scotty on the communicator, and he can beam me to someplace near you," suggested Sulu.
"Good idea! See you then, Hikaru," said Uhura, smiling. "Enjoy yourself!" She turned to Chekov as Sulu and his friends walked away. "Well, Pavel, ready to see stars?"
Chekov could only blink at first. He had remained silent during the entire exchange with the other men, due primarily to his own disbelief at his luck. He was going to be alone with the Lady Nyota... for two hours... at night? And by her choice, too! "I follow vhere you lead, lovely lady!" he bluffed. Uhura winked at him and together they walked towards the planetarium.
Inside, the lobby of the planetarium had been practically wallpapered with artistic depictions of stars, planets, moons, nebula, sunrises, and other natural phenomenon of the skies. A few visitors were already gawking in awe or discussing the works in muffled tones. "Will you look at that!" Uhura gasped happily. "All these different techniques, just from this one tiny planet."
"They certainly have a lot of talent here," said Chekov. He followed her around as they gave each lovely work the scrutiny it deserved. Eventually the room cleared out even of its few other visitors, and they were left alone.
"Vhere did everyone go?" Chekov asked.
"I suppose they must have other things to do," said Uhura. "All of the natives must have already visited this exhibit, and who else knows it's here? It wasn't mentioned on the guide."
"How come the planetarium's not giving any shows?"
"I picked up a flier when we came in. Want to have a look?" Uhura handed him a yellow sheet of paper. On it, thick, italicized text explained to offworld visitors that the planetarium show was closed during the Flower FÉte because the focus of the festival was to celebrate the planet itself and not anything "not of this world". The art exhibit was allowed, however, because it was there to celebrate native artists and their visions of beauty, not the celestial objects themselves.
"So they turned off the planetarium because it's just... stars, and not anybody's subjective artistic interpretation?" asked Chekov.
"Sounds about right," said Uhura. "Except... I overheard people talking and I don't think they've turned it off entirely. There aren't going to be any shows tonight, but the star lights are still switched on."
"I love planetariums," said Chekov. "Ever since I vas a little boy, I couldn't vait until my grandfather would take me to the shows... I think that's vhat first made me vant to go out into space!"
"Let's go look at the stars, then," said Uhura. "It's so much easier to see the constellations in there than in the real sky. No light pollution, no clouds..."
"And the ceiling is so much smaller than the sky!" Chekov added. "But... the constellations are going to all be different, aren't they?"
"Different from Earth," said Uhura. "But if you've been keeping up with our star charts from the past week or so you should be able to figure out where everything is."
They pushed open the double doors and walked into a world of dim beauty. Hundreds of tiny poins of light shone over a room that was otherwise completely black. "Wow," they breathed together, then giggled.
"Jinx," said Uhura.
Chekov grinned. "Vhere's the Sun?" She helped him find it amidst the many artificial stars, and they both gawked at its apparent remoteness.
"What about Eridani?" said Uhura. "Can you find it?"
"I think it's... that one over there," pointed Chekov.
"Look how far away it is from Earth!"
"That's vy it takes a long time to get to Wulcan," said Chekov.
"Funny," said Uhura softly.
"Vhat is it?"
"Earth... and Vulcan," said Uhura, "...so far apart... but Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock... they seem as if they'd been made for each other!"
"Ve're all part of one universe, after all," said Chekov.
"Just think, Pavel. All our adventures, everything we've ever done and accomplished and all the places we've travelled... all those places are right up here in these stars!"
"If ve had a leetle laser pointer ve could track the Enterprise's mission," said Chekov.
Uhura giggled. "And then you'd start using it to shine lights up my dress."
"Me? Never!" He pretended to be offended. "No Russian vould do such a thing to such a grand lady."
"Look, there's where the Platonians live," pointed Uhura.
"The telekinetic sadist Greek wannabes," she reminded him.
"Oh. Vas that vere they forced you to kiss the Keptin?"
"Yeah, that was weird," said Uhura. "But I was okay. I love Jim, I really do. He's like a big brother to me. But Chris.... poor thing.... she hasn't really been the same since. I think she's starting to feel better, though. She got a dog, and that seems to have cheered her up."
"I alvays thought it vas funny that the vay they chose to torture and humiliate the Keptin and Meester Spock vas to cause them to make love to girls," said Chekov.
"I'm sure the choice of partner was more at issue than the gender," said Uhura, laughing. "If Janice Rand had still been around at that point, they wouldn't have brought *her* down, I can tell you that!"
"It vould have been funny to see the Keptin and Meester Spock fight over Janice," mused Chekov, half misunderstanding.
"Pavel.... nothing that happened down on Platonius was very funny," said Uhura. "It was terrifying. If Jim hadn't developed the power, we all would have been killed, and Dr. McCoy would have been taken prisoner." Here she stopped. It would have been interesting to tell Chekov about T'Pring, since he had mentioned Janice in that context jokingly, but she held her tongue. It was none of his business. It wasn't even any of *her* business, but as communications officer she had little trouble finding out anything she wanted to around the ship.
"Look, there's 'Mudd'," Chekov pointed out, changing the subject.
"Oh, boy," exclaimed Uhura, slapping her thigh. A twinkle in her eye was barely visible in the artificial starlight. "That was certainly an interesting 'shore leave'."
"You almost got to be immortal!"
"Not immortal," she corrected. "Only five hundred thousand years."
"Vat vould you do vith so much time?"
"Have fun, have more fun, and then have some *more* fun," she said, lifting her eyebrows. "And then help save the world."
"I remember valtzing vith you down on that planet, to trick the androids," said Chekov. "That vas fun!"
"I seem to remember you had even *more* fun with some of the Alices," Uhura smirked. "Something about... being programmed to function as human females?"
Chekov blushed. "Vell... they vere wery lovely!"
"And did they function properly?"
"A pretty good approximation!" he exclaimed lustily. "Almost like Russian girls."
"I never got around to trying them out myself," said Uhura. Chekov was speechless for a moment or so. "What is it?"
"Oh, it's just... vell, I didn't know that you liked girls."
Uhura smiled. "What's not to like?" Chekov didn't have an answer to this. "I do like men better, though. Especially silly young Russian navigators."
Chekov's mouth dropped open. "You....?"
"Why are you so surprised?" asked Uhura. "We always have a great time together, and we see each other so much on the bridge. You're attractive, intelligent, and just so enthusiastic about everything you do!"
"This is incredible," Chekov breathed. "You know-- Nyota-- I think I am in love vith you. But I did not know vether or not to say anything."
"I know," said Uhura. "You forget, I *am* the communications expert. And I knew everything you were thinking, Mr. Chekov. Ev-ery-thing." She drew closer to him in the darkness.
"Vat am I thinking now?" he whispered.
"That you want to kiss me," she cooed.
"For the past three months," he murmured. Tentatively he put his hand on the back of her neck and drew her face near. She tilted her head and touched her lips to his. Her mouth was soft, warm, and wet. Dizzy with the accomplishment of his goal, Chekov parted his lips slightly-- an action Uhura immediately mirrored.
Forty-five seconds later they were furiously making out in the darkness. He clasped her body in his arms, amazed by the deliriously beautiful fullness of her bosom and how nicely it filled a hug. Lightly she ran her fingernails up and down his back, tracing its contours under the uniform shirt. Weak in the knees with joyful desire, they collapsed together into one of the audience chairs that circled the star projector at the center of the room. His lips left hers momentarily to hungrily nibble on her luscious neck, soft like a ripe peach. "Mmmmmmm!" she moaned melodically, kneading his butt gently.
"Eh.... excuse me, officers."
Uhura and Chekov both bounced out of the chair and flew apart as if a stick of dynamite had just appeared between them. An inhabitant of the planet wearing a black T-shirt that said "PLANETARIUM SUPERINTENDANT" on it in the native language was standing before them, his eyebrows in the air. "Oops, I'm terribly sorry, sir!" Uhura giggled, brushing strands of hair out of her face. Chekov was oscillating between embarrassment and boastfulness, and in his indecision reverted to saying nothing.
"You are from Federation Starfleet, I see?" asked the superintendant. He did not appear to be upset, just amused.
"Yes, sir," said Chekov. Uhura nodded.
"Hmm... I see from your colored clothes..." mused the alien, "...that you are... a Starship captain?! And someone from Security. No, you're not from Security. From Engineering."
Chekov and Uhura both burst out laughing. "No, no sir," said Uhura through convulsions. "I'm the communications officer, and this is our navigator."
"Navigator! Ah, I see. Why does the captain not have a special color, then?" asked the superintendant.
"He has a rather awful green shirt sometimes," began Chekov, but then could once again speak no more. Uhura had to sit down, because she was laughing so hard. Truth be told, half of their hysteria was nervous laughter at being caught, combined with sexual energy.
"I see," said the superintendant. "Well, I have one more question to ask. Are either of you married to someone else?"
Four eyebrows rose skyward. "Oh, *no* sir!" exclaimed Uhura. "This is on the up and up." And then they both cracked up again.
The superintendant stepped in between them and put his massive arms around both their shoulders. "Well, we can't have Starfleet officers body-joining in our planetarium, even on the night of Flower FÉte. Come, I will show you a place where you may celebrate the flowering of your bodies in more comfortable surroundings." He began to walk out the door, steering them both with his arms and his brisk pace.
He was very strong and had a mouth that ran like an overflowing bathtub. There was nothing either officer could do to shut him up or stop his moving them out of the room, then out of the planetarium, then across the street into a high-rise hotel. "My brother-in-law is assistant manager at this hotel, see? And he can get you a room that's nice and private, see?..... I feel bad for ya since I had to kick you out of my planetarium, but that's not what the place is for, see? So I'm gonna get you a room for free.... That's what the Flower FÉte is all about, peace and love and celebration of joy and springtime... Hello, Elpenthron! How's my big sister doing? And the litter? Anyway can you find these folks...."
The running dialogue didn't cease until the superintendant had deposited them both, quite bewildered at their sudden change of locale, into a small but elegantly decorated hotel room. He finally left them with instructions to contact his brother-in-law when they decided to leave.
"Well!" exclaimed Uhura as the door clicked behind him. She and Chekov turned around to look at their new arena. The bed was trapezoidal instead of rectangular, because of the body structure of the planet's natives, but other than that the room looked pretty standard. The lampshades were all decorated to look like flowers, no doubt in honor of the festival.
"That vas... pretty nice of him," began Chekov.
"I'll say," said Uhura. There was silence as they both placed their communicators and other belongings in a pile on the dresser. "Hey, what are we going to do now?"
"Vell, ve could alvays..." And then Chekov suddenly grabbed her around the waist and kissed her madly.
After a few moments he broke away. "I've been dying to do that all day!"
"It's hard to kiss when I'm smiling so hard," Uhura observed.
"Yes, I noticed that. There are a lot of teeth." Chekov looked at the bed.
"That's an awfully big bed," Uhura cooed in a silken voice that did not belong on the bridge.
"Vell, in Russia," Chekov began, but this time it was Uhura who did the seizing. Another kiss and they were both moving towards the bed. She pulled him down on top of her and they both fell over onto the soft cushions. She sucked on his lower lip and their bodies started to learn to comfortably fit together while horizontal. Her legs were wrapped around his hips, her skirt up around her waist. He couldn't remember ever being so hard in his life, not even when the two android Alices were simultaneously pleasuring him back on Planet Mudd.
He knew the reason for that. Back then, he had always known all along that they were simply androids. Being with them was incredibly erotic, but at the end of the day it was simply a very technologically advanced form of masturbation. After that experience he understood why women used vibrators, but it still hadn't felt half as amazing as he was feeling now, now that he was with... Lt. Uhura. Nyota. Nyota his new girlfriend.
Well, wait. Was that a sure thing? Or was she just having fun with him? Not that he wasn't up for fun... but before he let himself fall completely utterly...
He pulled away slightly. She gazed up at him expectantly with big, glowing eyes. "Nyota?" he said, sotto voce. "I'm up for anything you are, because you're a fun girl and wery beautiful too. But I vant to know before ve start anything.... are you... do you vant to be my girlfriend?"
Uhura's face sparkled. "Of course, Pavel! I wouldn't mess with you. That would be mean!" She was still cooing. She caressed his face. "I'm playful, but I'm not heartless."
Chekov couldn't believe his good luck. "The Keptin told one of the Alices that you liked me. I thought he was kidding."
"Captain Kirk knew what he was talking about," she murmured. "You think I can sit there day after day on the bridge with that pretty face in front of me and not notice it?"
"You're teasing me," said Chekov playfully.
"You're the one pressing that big ol' thing into my hungry little pussy and not using it," Uhura mock-pouted.
Chekov's eyes bugged at her words. "Pussy?"
"You know of a better word, Pavel? It's soft, and it's fun to play with..."
"Does it 'miau'?"
"God, I hope not!" she grinned. She looked down at her chest, where Chekov was kneading her boobs like bagel dough. "Mm... Pavel... let's talk about something."
"Vat is it?"
"Pavel." Uhura took both of his hands gently in her fluid fingers. "I like you. I like you a whole lot, and I want to keep you. And if you're going to be sharing my bed, I want you to be *good.*" She purred this last word, as if it were made of honey. "*Real* good." He was transfixed. There had always been a hint of this saucy kitten in the cool, adaptable bridge duchess, but seeing her this way had completely knocked him to the stars. "I'm gonna teach you how to make love to a woman-- a *real* woman."
"The Alices seemed to be enjoying themselves," Chekov offered feebly, but he knew she was right. She was running her fingers lightly over his neck and down across his shoulders, sending him shudders of pleasure he never knew he could feel.
"Mudd probably programmed them to make sexy noises whenever he did anything to them," said Uhura. "*Nobody* programs me." Her hands changed direction, and with touch as light as a feather she ran her fingers down over the front of his shirt, gently stimulating his nipples. He moaned a little in surprise, not expecting to find this sort of touch so pleasurable.
"The Captain once told me that the reason he considers gender irrelevant," she continued, moving her caress to his back, "is that our bodies are only the devices with which we communicate our love or affection for one another. Well, Pavel, I'm a communications *expert*."
Chekov's body was racked with spasms of delight. Who knew that such a light, barely-there touch could bring so much sensation with it?
"Unzip me, sugar?" He complied and the dress came away. It was like unpeeling a rose to find a still sweeter bloom within. Her body was perfect, curvaceous and lush and covered with that shining cocoa skin that could not have been painted more perfectly. Full breasts were barely concealed within a red lacy bra, and her matching bikini underwear almost revealed the trimmed hair beneath. Seeing her so close to nude but not quite there was intensely erotic. The lace almost hid her nipples... but almost...
It took Chekov an incredible amount of restraint not to leap on her completely and take her right there, but she was his woman now and she deserved more than that. He lifted his hand to her breast and tried to touch her there not heavily and squeezing as he had done before, but delicately and intimately.
Her immediate moans proved to him that he was on the right track.
The bed was so sturdy that it didn't even squeak as they thrust towards each other energetically, their lovemaking seasoned by sweat and the ever-present scent of flowers that seemed to cover the whole city this night.
Uhura's hair hung down around her radiant face, shining like the moon as she cried out in sheer passion.
Chekov's eyes were deep and he sucked her into them as she twisted to move sensitive parts of her body closer to his.
Her legs were draped acrobatically over his upper back, and her hands on his butt pushed him into her again and again.
He sucked her neck like a mock-vampire, as she had taught him, and felt her moans before they were released from her throat.
They came, and clung together, and were happy.
"Mmmm.... Ooh, that was fun, sugar," Uhura cooed.
Chekov kissed her on the cheek, and then the lips. "That vas incredible."
"Anyone up for sangrĺas?"
"Vat is a--"
"Red wine, fruit juice, and chunks of fruit," she replied. "Cool us off, after that hot stuff!"
"Hey, there's somebody knocking at the door," Chekov suddenly realized.
Uhura went into the bathroom to fix her hair and clean up as Chekov, hopping into his pants, yelled "Who is it?" at the door.
"It's Sulu!" called the buoyant familiar voice. "Is Nyota in there?"
"Um... yes... just a second..." Chekov fumbled with his shirt, and then flung the door open.
"Hey, Chekov, the show was *great!*" His smile spread from one ear straight to the other. Then he looked around the room and noticed the unkempt bed. "Oh, my!" He started to laugh.
"Vhat?" Chekov blinked sweetly.
"Chekov," Sulu choked through his laughter, "your fly is undone. And your shirt's on inside out and backwards."
"Oh," said Chekov. He smiled a little, then fixed these various articles of clothing. Then he giggled a little.
Sulu smirked. "Where's Nyota?"
"Right here, Mr. Sulu!" beamed the lovely lady herself, stepping out of the bathroom, once more impeccably coiffed and wearing her red dress. "Did you enjoy your weapons show?"
"You bet I did!" he exclaimed. "I've never seen anyone handle two swords at once the way those guys did. And there was a woman with a rope... What about you guys? Looks like the art gallery got a little boring!"
"This actually started *in* the art gallery," said Uhura.
"Vell, in the planetarium itself," Chekov added.
They explained about getting caught and ending up with a free hotel room. Sulu's eyes widened and he shook his head in amusement. "I'm sorry to have walked in on you like that!"
"It's all right, Hikaru, we're ready to return to the festivities," said Uhura. "After all, we're from the same ship!"
"Isn't that lucky," said Chekov. "Ve're also lucky that Sulu didn't beam down right into the room!"
Uhura's eyes widened. "That's right! I wonder why Scotty didn't beam him in here? It's a good thing he didn't..."
"Your communicators are right on top of each other." Sulu pointed to the dresser. "Scotty must have seen that and figured something private was up. He beamed me a safe distance away."
"That man is a genius," said Uhura. "I'm glad he's in charge of making the ship go." She walked to a nearby food replicator and punched in the code for sangrĺa. "Sulu, would you like a sangrĺa?"
"Sure! No pineapple, please."
Uhura fed credits into the machine and out popped three drinks. Sulu and Chekov thanked her for them. "Hey, this is really good!" Chekov exclaimed. "I'll have to research these. I bet they were inwented in Russia... many Russians used to wacation in Spain."
"Hey guys, guess who I saw going into the room at the end of the hall when I first beamed here," Sulu said, sipping his drink.
"Peter the Great," joked Chekov. Uhura whapped him playfully with a pillow.
"Everybody's favorite Vulcan science officer, *carrying* Captain Kirk into the room!" Sulu exclaimed.
Chekov looked concerned. "Carrying... vas he hurt?"
Sulu shook his head, smiling. "No, no, not like that. It was like a groom carrying a bride over the threshold."
The other two burst out laughing. "Oh, how sweet!" Uhura choked. She almost spilled her drink as Chekov suddenly swept her off her feet into the same pose Sulu had just described. She giggled and carefully placed the sangrĺa on the table. "Darling!" she called out in as deep and manly of a voice as she could manage. "You.... are.... theloveofmylife!!"
"That is not logical, Keptin. You are not done living your life yet," Chekov deadpanned, raising one eyebrow exaggeratedly.
"No, wait, Chekov, that's the wrong eyebrow," said Sulu.
"Are you sure?" said Chekov in his normal voice. "He alvays raises... on the left side..."
"That's his *right* eyebrow," said Sulu. "You've gotten confused by looking in a mirror."
"Oh." He reflected on this for a moment. "I see." Then his voice dropped again. "Keptin, my calculations show that I am in love vith you."
"Spock! Spock, I..... loveyourpointedears. I want to kiss them, I want to--" Uhura lost it after this. They were all laughing very hard for a few seconds. Tears welled up in her eyes and her sides hurt.
"I can't believe you talked like him!" Sulu shook his head, grinning. "You know exactly where to put the pauses!"
"I'm a communications expert, Hikaru," said Uhura as herself again. "I understand the structure of language very well. He always pauses between the subject and predicate of a sentence, and then speeds up that predicate as though he realized the pause was going to cause him to not reach the end of the sentence in time."
"Dammit! There goes the drink."
One of Uhura's feet, swinging over Chekov's arm, had tipped over her sangrĺa. "Oh well," she said good-naturedly. "Spock, what... areyougoingto... dotome?" she mimicked Jim again.
"At this moment I am currently functioning at a 97.2% level of arousal." said Chekov. The laughter erupted again. "I am going to Vulc you, Keptin!"
That did it. They all collapsed into giggles across the bed, tears streaming down their faces, limbs twitching under the spell of a three-way laughing fit.
"Can you picture Captain Kirk as a bride?" asked Uhura.
"In a dress? No," said Chekov. More laughter.
"I wonder if tonight really is anything special for them," said Uhura. "I mean, like an anniversary."
"Hey, ve should send them a present," said Chekov.
"Yeah, something really exotic you can't get from the replicators like some alien champagne. Room Service could bring it," said Sulu.
"How about we send them flowers?" suggested Uhura. "That would go along with the spirit of this festival."
"'Just Married'," quipped Chekov.
"That's it!" exclaimed Sulu. "We can send them up a Just Married bouquet. I bet the hotel has something standard. That would take care of the champange *and* the flowers."
"Big, showy lilies!" Uhura was getting into it. "White lace and palm fronds!"
"And a beeg Do-Not-Disturb sign," Chekov reminded them, winking.
Uhura pressed the button on the wall for the hotel phone. "Mr. Elpenthron? Yes.... Hello, Mr. Elpenthron? We'd like to send a gift..."
Commander Spock ran his fingers lovingly through Captain James T. Kirk's golden-brown hair as the human took the Vulcan's cock completely into his mouth. Jim's tongue flickered across warm velvet skin taut and hard like the unripe persimmon from earlier... but so much more welcome to his eager, devoted lips. He sucked and massaged and caressed his beloved Vulcan with tireless enthusiasm. Spock's breathing grew heavier and faster and Jim could tell he was almost there. He would make sure to fix his eyes upward when Spock started to come, so he wouldn't miss a second of his very favorite sight in the world, Spock's face glorified in orgasm...
The first taste of Vulcan pleasure started to burst into Jim's mouth...
Meanwhile, in the hallway outside, three giggly Starfleet officers were running towards the room currently occupied by their two senior officers. "Come on!" called Uhura. "We can hide behind the ice machine!" She ushered Sulu and Chekov into the little room that faced Kirk and Spock's door and they all piled into the corner.
Uhura wound up in front, and had the best view. Chekov was directly behind her, and as they crouched down behind the machine she was vaguely aware of the pleasant sensation of his reawakened arousal gently making its presence known to her butt. She wondered to herself if he would consider making love doggie-style... her cabin contained the most luxuriant pillows...
"What d'you suppose is going on in that room?" Sulu wondered.
"I don't know," smirked Uhura, "but from the way the Captain has that silly smile on his face for hours after they've been 'playing chess', you better believe it's pretty spectacular!"
"Vas I..." Chekov started to ask in a whisper.
"Yes, sugar, definitely," she whispered back. He grinned and mumbled something to himself about Russians.
"You know, no matter how many times I've seen absolute proof of those two being in love, I just can't picture Mr. Spock, well, doing anything!" Sulu seemed innocently frustrated.
Chekov chuckled. "Are you sure you *vant* to?" Then he winked at Uhura.
"Vulcans have green blood," said Uhura.
"Yeah, that's vy Dr. McCoy calls him a green-blooded computer sometimes," said Chekov.
"But you know what that means, Pavel," she continued.
Sulu started to laugh. "You mean when Mr. Spock--"
"Shhh!! Someone's coming!!" Uhura shushed him suddenly. They all peered out silently from behind the ice machine, riveted to the hallway and the door of Captain Kirk's hotel room.
A very strange being in a hotel uniform waddled into view. It was the height of a tall humanoid, and covered in sleek, shiny silvery scales that reminded Uhura of an Earth creature called a glass lizard. Its body was supported by three legs, powerfully muscular, that ended in feet that strongly resembled suction cups. The alien's face was that of a hammerhead shark. Two huge, magenta eyes blinked out at the world from its two eye prongs.
"What the hell is that?" wondered Uhura. "That doesn't look like a native."
"I'll say," said Sulu.
"Look at the size of that basket!" exclaimed Chekov.
The basket that the strange being was bearing was half the size of its entire body. It was made of white wicker, and inside, dozens of huge stargazer lilies as big as dinner plates waved their floral genitalia unashamedly at the world. They were intermingled with white baby's breath, yellow and orange tulips (an unavoidable symbol of the festival), and some strange flowers that didn't compare to anything Sulu and the others would have recognized from Earth. A bottle of champagne, a wheel of cheese, and bunches of tiny purple berries that looked a little like grapes were at the center of the basket. The whole arrangement was lined on the outside with multicolored palm fronds.
"JUST MARRIED!!!!!" proclaimed a plastic sign sticking gaily out of the corner of the basket. A fake bird was perched on top of the sign. White ribbons lined with pink silk roses dangled from the slats of the basket.
"Oh, my," said Sulu. Uhura could only blink.
The being knocked on the door. "Room service," it called in a high-pitched voice that reminded them of cartoon vids for children. The voice didn't seem to match the body, but years of space exploration had taught them to be ready for surprises when dealing with alien life. "Special delivery for Captain Kirk!"
It took a few moments and several knocks before the door opened and the Captain finally emerged. He was shirtless and very sweaty, and had obviously thrown his pants on hastily over a very insistant erection. He held the door open only enough for him to see who was outside. "This is Captain Kirk," he said nonchalantly. "What's this?"
Uhura and her companions were all fighting very hard not to explode with laughter.
"You have recieved basket of honor for your life-body-joining," squeaked the being. "Congradulations on this honor. Pleasant life to you both, and fertility to your wife."
"Um, well, yes, uh... we thank you for your... kindness?" Kirk's face registered amused surprise covered with diplomacy.
"Here is package," said the being, handing it to Kirk. He goggled at the sheer size of it, never mind its degree of elaboration.
Kirk tried to take the whole package, but stumbled under its weight. "Wow, this wicker's heavier than it looks. Spock, can you give me a hand with this?"
Spock appeared behind the Captain, looking regal and stoic as always in a makeshift Vulcan robe that had, until five minutes ago, had been enjoying life as a blanket. When he saw the personage at the door and the odd basket he was offering, he, predictably, raised his eyebrow. The crew behind the ice machine could not tell if the being had reacted to the revelation that Jim's wife was, in fact, a husband.
The couple shared silent words in their mind for a moment, and then Spock approached the doorway further and helped Jim take the basket into the room. Jim tipped the being and the door clicked shut, leaving the happy but confused couple to continue their lovemaking in the presence of dozens of very large flowers and a wheel of cheese.
"Oh my gosh!!" Uhura finally let out the torrent of giggles she'd been holding in for dear life. "*What* was Spock *wearing*?!"
"Did you see their faces?" Sulu's face was flushed with amusement.
"'Fertility to your vife'!!! Mr. Spock, pregnant. Mr. Spock vith a baby." Chekov fell back against the wall, exhaling loudly.
"Would the baby have pointed ears?" Sulu wondered.
"Maybe just on one side," Uhura offered. They all laughed harder.
Then all of a sudden, ice cubes started flying out of the machine. "Ve must have leaned on something!" cried Chekov.
"Stop it! Pull the plug!"
"Where *is* the plug?"
"I can't reach!"
"They're going everywhere!"
"Ow, it hit me!"
"Poor Pavel! Here, let me put ice on it."
Sulu finally flattened his hand enough to snake his arm behind the machine and unplug it. "Whew, thanks," said Uhura. Chekov was nursing the back of his hand. Sulu seemed to be staring out into the hallway, or perhaps out the window at the hallway's end.
"Wait," said Sulu suddenly, perking up like a cat. All trace of amusement had left his face, and he was walking silently on light feet to the hallway. He looked like an animal stalking shy prey.
"What?" Uhura called after him. She and Chekov followed him out into the hallway, and then joined him in peering out the window.
The being that had delivered Kirk and Spock's bouquet had apparently opened the window, slipped outside, and closed the window, all while the Enterprise officers were distracted by other matters. It was now clinging to the side of the building with the use of its three suction-cup feet, and had was holding a small object up to one of its eyes.
"Oh, SHIT," exclaimed Lt. Uhura.
The being had perched itself directly in front of another window, a window that opened into Kirk and Spock's oblivious world of amorous paradise. The device that it held to its glaring, magenta eyeballs was a video camera, emblazoned on the side in big letters with the word "VID-LICIOUS".
"Oh, no!" said Mr. Chekov. "That's a pornography dealership!"
Sulu flung the window back open and had one leg outside already before Uhura and Chekov grabbed him around the waist and dragged him back inside. "What were you doing??" Uhura hissed. "There's hardly anything to stand on out there."
"There's a ledge," Sulu started to say. "We have to get that tape back! It's going to put--"
"That ledge isn't big enough to hold a cat, Hikaru. Hang on a second." Uhura held him firmly around the waist. She was trying to act calm, but her mind was racing. "There's another way."
"I'll go varn Keptin Kirk," said Chekov. He started for the hotel door. Uhura snagged him around the waist as well. "Vat are you doing?"
"Listen, you two," Uhura said. "If we go in there and tell the Captain there's an alien outside taking videos of him, the first thing he'll do is figure out how the alien knew he and Spock were in this room. And how did that happen?"
"Ve... sent them the basket," said Chekov, realization dawning.
"That's right," Uhura nodded. "Meaning this is *our fault*. If this gets out, it'll be all over the galaxy in days. Imagine the marketing campaign they'd use." The three of them stood in silence for a moment, each imagining with fascinated horror an advertising phrase such as "" They all winced a little.
"Vat do ve do?" asked Chekov.
"We've got to get that tape back. Seeing Captain Kirk on a porn site would embarrass the whole Enterprise!" Sulu's brow was furrowed.
"Not to mention Starfleet," said Chekov. "Or Wulcan, for that matter."
Uhura glanced outside the window at the voyeur. She was worried too, more than any of them. Captain Kirk was like a beloved big brother to her, and she was very scared that she might lose his love and respect if he found out she'd been silly enough to do something like this. "I've got a plan." Flicking open her communicator, she leaned out of the window and stared at the alien. "Uhura to Enterprise," she hissed into the device.
"Enterprise, Scott here," came the brogue through the airwaves.
"Scotty, this is an emergency. Nothing life-threatening, but we're going to need your help."
"Aye, Lieutenant, I'll do whatever I can. Captain Kirk there?"
"Er... I'll explain later," Uhura sidestepped. "Scotty, there's an alien about six or seven yards to my south. Can you see that?"
"Aye, lass. Lifeform reading."
"Good! Now get a fix on those coordinates and beam it up to the ship. Have security waiting. All we need is-- uh-oh." The alien had suddenly turned around and stared at Uhura and her compadres with its odd magenta eyes. It didn't wait long before slinging the camera over its shoulder and starting to run away across the wall of the building. "Scotty! Can you get a fix! It's getting away!!!" THUNK, THUNK, THUNK, went the three suction cup feet.
Uhura knew she had to think fast. "Scotty! Beam Sulu to the roof and beam me to the ground."
"How far up is the roof of the building?" Scotty asked, bewildered but following orders.
Uhura estimated. Within seconds, her request had been fulfilled. Sulu was on the roof, ready with his martial arts skills to fight and subdue the alien should it flee there, at least long enough for Scotty to get a fix on its coordinates. Uhura had been beamed to the sidewalk below, to follow the alien as it walked sideways across the hotel's outer walls.
Chekov was left standing alone in the hallway in front of Kirk and Spock's room. As he stood there, waiting for orders from Uhura, the captain's voice wafted from behind the door. "Rain Man of the Deserts, Captain of the Giant Emerald-City-Green Photon Torpedo of Love, Master of my Prostate, SkiKhar, ShiKhar, Home Town!" [note: See bottom for credit]
Mr. Chekov buried his reddened face in his hands.
Communicator still open, Uhura ran all around the building, tracking the alien's flight until the creature finally ducked into one of the hotel rooms, which had the window open. "Chekov!" she shouted into the communicator. "It's in the fourth room from the south end of the building, fifth floor, west side."
"On my way," said Chekov. He dashed into a stairwell in hot pursuit.
Uhura waited nervously on the sidewalk. She paced back and forth, and eventually wound up back at the front entrance of the hotel. "What in the name o' William Wallace is goin' on down there?" Scotty persisted.
"We caught someone spying on Captain Kirk with a videocamera," said Uhura cautiously. She didn't know who might be listening in, since they were keeping the channel relatively open to allow for four-way communication.
"Spying?" Scotty seemed confused. "What was he doing?"
"The horizontal Vulcan mambo," said Uhura.
Scotty chuckled. "Ah hear it's more of a wrestlin' match than a mambo!"
"Now, Scotty, how would you know a thing like that?"
"Well, a Vulcan lassie once--"
"I just had a thought," interrupted Sulu. "This alien must not have a starship to go back to, because it would have been beamed up already. It's traveling by shuttlecraft."
"That means it's going to have to leave this hotel eventually," said Uhura. "That's good!"
"Aye, it'll either be runnin' to its own vessel or meetin' somewhere with its pilot to be picked up," contributed Scotty. "Chekov - are ya havin' any luck, lad?"
"No, sir," came the Russian's voice, panting and ragged. "If only it vould hold still for just a moment!"
One could almost see Scotty shaking his head sadly up there in the ship. "Aye, lad. I can't beam it up if I can't get a fix on its coordinates." Uhura bit her lip nervously.
"It's heading for the door of the hotel!" Chekov shouted. "Quickly!"
A few seconds later, the hammerheaded alien dashed out the front door of the hotel, both double doors banging open and then flopping back and forth like epileptic dead fish. Uhura attempted to stand in its way, but it knocked her down onto the pavement without so much as a thought. "Sulu, get down here!" Uhura shouted, achingly picking herself up again.
Chekov dashed out of the doorway in hot pursuit, but it was too late. The alien had joined the vast crowd of partygoers that danced in the streets, and the throng was too thick for him to reach it. "Sulu, run along the rooftops and follow it," called Uhura, massaging her sore hip.
Chekov put his arm around Uhura. "Are you ok?"
She nodded. "This isn't happening...."
"Ve'll catch her. Don't vorry, lovely lady." He leaned his face closer to hers, and she took refuge in the comfort of his breath upon her cheek.
She suddenly realized something. "'Her'? How do you know it's a female?"
"Elpenthron, the hotel manager," said Chekov. "As she vas running out the door, I heard him yell, 'Vat is the matter, Miss Fodak?"
"Fodak," repeated Uhura. She picked up the communicator, happily undamaged by her fall. "Scotty, look in the computer and see if you can find a pornographer called Fodak."
Just then, Elpenthron the manager came out of the hotel and demanded to know why Chekov had been chasing one of his employees, a recent immigrant from--
"She vas taking wideotapes of your hotel guests having-- uh, body-joining," said Chekov bluntly.
Elpenthron's eyes widened. "You have proof of this?"
"I saw it too," said Uhura. "We're Starfleet officers, and we swear it."
Scotty's voice came back on the communicator. "Uhura, you'll never believe this. Her name is Fodak Teacup, and she works for a company called Vid-licious."
"Teacup??" muttered Chekov in wonderment.
"Vid-licious," said Uhura. "That's what it said on her camera."
"Uhura, she's their star photographer!" exclaimed Scotty. "Apparently, she's done this all over the galaxy! She got them footage of Klingons having a roll in the hay."
Uhura raised her eyebrows. Chekov blushed. He remembered all too well the day he had almost raped a Klingon woman. Even though he was under the influence of alien mind-control at the time, the thought of that incident embarassed him beyond belief.
"No pornographer's ever been able to get a Vulcan on tape," continued Scotty.
"And this would have been a feather in her cap," said Uhura softly. "My goodness."
"Uhura, you've got to get that tape back," said Scott. "If this gets out, the entire planet of Vulcan's going to be hopping mad-- they might even blame Captain Kirk!"
Uhura's brain almost stopped completely at the realization of this new horror. What she had initially only percieved as a potential threat to her personal friendship with James T. Kirk had quickly snowballed into an interplanetary dilemma that might turn an entire world of intelligent minds against her beloved Captain. The entire situation was ridiculous. Who was this Fodak, that she could come here and without a thought, jeopardize the peace of mind of innocent heroes?
Chekov sensed her dangerous blanking-out and shook her slightly. "Nyoshenka, pull out of it. Ve need orders." He was gentle, but firm.
Uhura breathed in sharply. "Alright." She licked her lips and gazed out into the street, where crowds of happy people were dancing in a parade. "Mr. Scott, beam me and Mr. Chekov to either side of the street below where Mr. Sulu is running." Somehow, using their formal names made the situation seem more like a battle than a personal disaster, and that helped her not to lose it.
"Energizing," said Scotty. Up on the ship, he shook his head wearily. Shore leave... this was why he could take it or leave it. Although even leaving it didn't guarantee any peace...
Uhura materialized in the middle of a throng of people carrying huge bouquets of daffodils. "Whoops, excuse me!" she exclaimed breathlessly, extricating herself from the barrage of bulbs and frantically scanning the top of the crowd for that funnylooking silver hammerhead. "Mr. Chekov, can you see her? Where is she?"
"I don't know, Nyota," came the Russian's voice over the communicator.
"Mr. Sulu!" she barked, whipping her head around. No sign of Fodak anywhere! "I thought you were following her!"
"I... am... !" came the breathless reply. Sulu was, apparently, still running, and panting heavily. "She made a... heh..heh.. right angle."
"Beam us over again, Mr. Scott," said Uhura without missing a beat.
"Both side of the street again?" asked Scotty.
"Yes," said Uhura.
"Aye," said Scotty.
This time when she materialized, Uhura scarcely had time to register her surroundings before two hands grabbed her around each of her upper arms and lifted her, kicking and screaming, onto one of the parade floats. "What do you--!"
"She is here! This is the one," said one of the three women who were on the float with her. They were all planet natives, wearing robes of black and white decorated with the orange and yellow flowers that pervaded the FÉte.
"Yes, look at her eyes! So starlike," said another. All three women seemed very happy and very drunk. They were still holding her, even around the waist now.
Uhura shook her head violently. "I need to get down now," she protested.
"Love-Goddess of the FÉte!" exclaimed the first woman.
"Ever true, Kira-la," said the second woman. The third, it appeared, was too drunk even to speak, although she continued to prevent Uhura's departure from the float.
"I'm a Starfleet officer in pursuit of a crim--"
"Pretty Goddess... Grant us men like flowers, who bring us joy and smell nice..." sang Kira-la happily. The other two women crooned incoherently and swayed to the music that another float's musicians were playing nearby.
"You don't understand..." Uhura sighed and slumped back against the float as they draped an endless succession of lei's around her neck...
Chekov was having similar problems on the other side of the street. Two women, one planet native and one who looked half Romulan and half Orion, had noticed him materialize and had slipped out of the shadows to offer him a few moments of seasonal pleasure.
"I am wery flattered, girls," Chekov blushed. "But I really must be going now."
They didn't seem to care what he had to say about it. "He doesn't like us!" the Or-romulan mock-pouted as they dragged him into an alleyway. She drew closer to him and ran her finger over the soft curve of one of his ears.
Chekov smiled uncomfortably. "No, you are both lovely. I am just already spoken for!" *And in pursuit of a criminal,* he thought to himself.
"Did you hear that, Blue-la?" the Or-romulan said to her friend the native, continuing to stroke Chekov's ear. "He already has someone. More beautiful than us?" Hearing this, the native girl pressed her body up to Chekov's front, and started running her hands through his hair.
"That's not the point--" Chekov started to say, but just then Sulu appeared overhead, dangling from a fire escape. "Hikaru?"
"Pavel, come on." Sulu looked amused, as usual, but the steel grip with which he dragged his friend away by the arm betrayed the undercurrent of irritation that he felt. Chekov didn't have time to look behind him to say goodbye to the two women, who watched his abrupt exit dispassionately.
"Nice partner of his," the native woman remarked, misunderstanding.
Back in the street, Sulu pointed out into the crowd. "Chekov, there's Fodak. Do you see her?"
Chekov squinted into the throng of aliens until his eyes fell with a sharp snap onto the shimmering silver hammerhead they'd first seen from behind the ice-maker in the hotel. "Yes!! There she is." Fodak had finally been trapped within a wall of celebrators, but within the crowd there was no way that Scotty would be able to pick out which coordinates were hers.
It was up to them.
"Chekov, see if you can get to her. Get that tape!" Sulu started to dash off in another direction. "Or at least, don't lose her."
"Where are you going?" Pavel called after him.
"After Uhura," Sulu shouted over his shoulder. He ran, weaving through the crowd, dodging the happy and the joyous and the intoxicated and the sexually aroused.
Finally he reached the flower-covered float where the three ladies were holding Uhura their peaceable captive. Seven flower lei's had been piled around her neck, from behind which she blinked dazedly. Her face brightened when she saw him. "Sulu!"
"I will save you, fair maiden!" Sulu cried playfully, winking at her. With one bound, he had lept onto the float, arms up in expectation of possible attacks by the native women.
They were apparently too drunk to care, at this point. "Bye-bye, Pretty Goddess!" waved Kira-la, before falling over onto the other two women.
Sulu jumped back down from the float and let Uhura leap into his waiting arms. "I thought we went over this before, Mr. Sulu," Uhura said playfully. "I am neither fair, nor virginal."
"Pavel's glad for that last part, I bet. Come on!" Sulu took her hand and they ran down the street together as fast as they could.
"Where's Fodak?" Uhura asked, looking around. The only thing that caught her eye was a twelve-foot statue of a native woman, carved entirely out of butter. She lifted her eyebrows. Sulu frowned, shrugged, and flipped open his communicator.
Just then, a metallic purple object appeared over the horizon and quickly zoomed over the crowd. It barely looked like it could fit three beings. "What's that?" Uhura cried. "It's hovering awfully close to the crowd. That's not safe!" The roar of its engines competed with the din of various types of music that emanated both from floats and from streetside shops. "Oh, I think I see Fodak!" The head had appeared above the crowd directly ahead of them, and she could also see the offending camera strapped to the alien's back.
"Nyota!! That's Fodak's ship!!" screamed Chekov's voice coming over from the communicator. Both Sulu and Uhura's eyes widened in fear. "I can't get to her because of the crowd. Do something!!!!"
A large door that was comprised of nearly the entire underside of the shuttlecraft was opening like the bottom half of a bird's beak. Fodak was moving closer and closer to her craft as quickly as she could through the molasses-thick crowd. Sulu and Uhura looked at each other in panic. The giant butter-woman's greasy smile seemed to mock their dismay.
"What's going on down there?" Scotty's voice crackled over the communicator.
"Problems, Mr. Scott," said Sulu. "Fodak's about to get away. Her ship's hovering over the crowd. You can't do anything about beaming her up to the Enterprise?"
"There's thousands of beings down in those streets, Mr. Sulu! Ah may be a master at the engines, but Ah'm not the Almighty."
"Hmm," was all Sulu could say. Then he noticed that Uhura was moving around. "What--?"
Uhura had dashed over to the rainbow of fruits and vegetables they had seen earlier, which was nearby on the side of the street. As quick as lightning, she grabbed one of the persimmons and lifted it above her head. Before Sulu could even finish his sentence, she wound up her arm and threw a wicked fastball in Fodak's general direction.
The orange projectile zoomed through the air, sailing above the heads of the dancing crowd. With a crash, it smashed into the camera on Fodak's back, almost knocking her over with its force. Fodak whirled around in time to see the precious data tape go flying out of the camera and into the air. "Waaaiii!" she cried in a high-pitched snarl.
Four pairs of eyes watched intently as the airborn tape arced through the sky and landed with a soft thud in the most embarrassing of places - the cleavage of the giant butter woman.
Both Uhura and Fodak fought their way through the crowd towards the statue, and began to scramble up its slimy legs from both sides. "Not your business! Not your business!" Fodak was shrieking hysterically.
"What our Captain does in his bedroom isn't any of *your* business, you little bitch!" Uhura shouted back. She slipped down a little as the body heat caused by her anger started to melt the butter on her side. "Dammit!"
"You ruin my night!!" yelled Fodak, fumbling higher. "*MY* tape. Mine!!"
"That tape should get sucked out into space!" called Uhura. "I won't say the same for you, just this once!"
"You better hope you no break my camera," Fodak growled as menacingly as her high, whiny voice could manage.
Uhura pulled herself up to the butter woman's shoulder. She and Fodak were both almost in posession of the terrible tape, each so close to either victory or defeat. She closed her eyes in momentary dizziness. The butter was slick as it melted beneath her body, coating her bare skin and soaking her uniform. If she moved any more, she was afraid that she would fall off, or slide all the way down to the ground.
But Fodak was almost there!
Quickly she gathered her strength and tried to bend down over the multitude of flowered lei's that decorated the butter woman's ample chest. "I... can't reach..." she mumbled to herself. The tape twinkled from between the buttery bosoms.
On the other shoulder, Fodak was attemping a similar maneuver. Her arms were longer, and Uhura thought it was all over. Then, suddenly, the alien's body rippled a little, and then more, and then convulsed violently.
With a sneeze loud enough to wake a lifeless planet, Fodak Teacup lost all control over her limbs and slid down the side of the statue... all the way to the ground below.
The flowered lei's around the statue's neck rippled gently in the nighttime breeze.
Almost in disbelieving shock at her good luck, Lt. Uhura tried once again to reach the tape and found that she still could not. But she had another idea.
She looked out into the crowd to make sure that Sulu or Chekov was watching her. When she was sure of Pavel's attention, she opened up her communicator and tossed it into the statue's cleavage. She sighed with gratification as she saw Chekov open his own communicator and explain to Scotty how to get the tape's coordinates for beam-up.
Sulu made one last attempt to capture Fodak, but the crowd was once again too thick and the shuttlecraft too quick for him. Seeing that her tape had vanished into energy, Fodak correctly decided that escape was now her best course of action. She dashed into the doorway of her craft, which immediately zoomed away into the night.
Uhura slid down the front of the butter-goddess, leaving a big streak in the statue. The happy crowd, intoxicated with pleasure, didn't seem to mind much. Covered in butter, she landed directly into Chekov's waiting arms. "Beam us up, Scotty," she breathed with relief into his still-open communicator.
Scotty was waiting for Uhura and Chekov when they materialized in each other's arms on the Enterprise's transporter pad. The communications officer was almost completely coated in butter, and a lot of it had managed to rub off on Chekov as well. Scotty chuckled as he helped the two weary officers off the platform.
"Scotty! Where's the tape? Do you have it?" Uhura gasped as soon as she could speak.
Scotty smiled and patted his side pocket. "It's safe with me, lass. Fodak's not going to have her goods this week."
Uhura exhaled happily with relief. "Oh, Scotty, thank you so much! We never could have gotten it back without your help."
"Always ready to help a friend," Scotty nodded in return. He looked at Chekov and cocked his head towards the lady. "What happened down there? Why is she covered in oil like a roast in the oven?"
"It's butter," explained Chekov. Uhura was dragging him out of the room by one hand. "I think she vants to go get cleaned up..."
"Aye, Ah'll ask Mr. Sulu," said Scotty. "You two run along now."
"We'll be back within the hour," called Uhura as they disappeared into the hallway. "There's still several hours of shore leave left!"
"Aye, Ah'll be expecting ye," said Scotty, opening up the channel to Sulu's communicator.
"And Scotty..." Uhura's voice wafted from outside the room. "Destroy that tape!!"
Uhura and Chekov reached the lady's quarters and she pulled him inside and closed the door. "We did it!!" she squealed happily and hugged him tightly. The butter made amusing noises as their bodies rubbed together. "Ew, we need a shower."
She grabbed the bottom hem of his shirt with both hands and started to undress him, not oblivious of his growing arousal. He had frozen in pleasure, once again awed by her energetic interest in his body. "Come on! Help me here. The quicker we get this butter off, the sooner we can go back down to the planet and not miss any more of our shore leave. I don't know about you, Mr. Chekov, but I hardly *ever* get any time away from this ship. And I don't want to waste it."
"This is vasting it?" Chekov breathed throatily, unzipping the back of her dress. His hands ran slickly along the slimy melted butter on her warm bare back.
"Well, not exactly," she winked. Clothing was shed and dropped into the cleaner, and before long, they were standing naked in each other's arms. "Shower?" she murmured huskily, taking him by both his wrists.
He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her naked body to his. "You vouldn't rather ve do something else first?" Fingers ran down her greasy body, enjoying the haphazard lubricant.
Uhura's eyelashes fluttered like aspen leaves. The sight made Chekov's heart swell, as well as other things. "Of course I want to," she murmured. "But if we make love like this, we're going to make the carpet dirty. Because we're *certainly* not bringing this stuff into my bed!"
"Oh. Vell, that makes sense..."
"Let's go to the shower, Pavel. I'm going to be just as naked there as I am out here," she smirked playfully.
He grinned and followed her... as he would anywhere.
Hot water trickled down their buttered bodies as they kissed and moaned in the steamed-up shower stall. It formed glistening beads on the grease and wasn't washing it off very well. "The vater's not vorking," Chekov pointed out. If his mind hadn't been so clouded with the eroticness of the situation, he would have remembered that a nonpolar substance like butter wouldn't dissolve in a polar substance such as water. (Spock, on the other hand, would probably have not only thought of it, but mentioned it to Jim out loud.)
"I guess we'll have to get it off some other way," said Uhura.
Chekov lowered his head to her neck and started lapping up the butter that shimmered on her skin. It was intoxicatingly sweet. "You taste like dessert!" he gasped. This was wonderful. Uhura threw back her head and closed her eyes and groaned as he licked closer and exasperatingly closer to one of her nipples. She cried out in ecstasy as he reached it, and carefully teased it with his tongue.
She decided to reciprocate.
The alien butter was sweeter and more flavorful than its Terran equivalent. It appeared to have been intended as a dessert spread, and its taste was too complicated to analyze here. They were simply contented to lick as much of it as they could get off of each others' soft skin. "Mmm, Nyoshenka!" Chekov mumbled into her stomach as she bucked her hips into his neck.
With a gasp she crumpled like a waterlogged flower onto the shower tiles, pulling him down with her gracefully. Their bodies were sleek and wet and it wasn't a shower, it was rain and they were Adam and Eve in some primitive universe of joyous carnality. She ran her dark hands up his writhing thighs and wrapped all ten fingers hungrily around his erect penis.
By the time they had finished making love against the corner of the shower wall, all the butter had disappeared.
Back down on the planet, Sulu had been leaning up against a building, talking to Scotty on his communicator. "Good thing Fodak was allergic to the flowers," he said.
"Aye, Mr. Sulu," said Scotty. "The luck of the angels was with ye all tonight, that's all Ah can tell ye!"
"If this had been any other shore leave, she would have gotten away with it," said Sulu.
"Gotten away with what, Mr. Sulu?"
Sulu turned around to face his commanding officers, who had walked up behind him while he was engrossed in conversation. "Captain! Sir." He was momentarily speechless.
Spock seemed curious, but Jim kept talking and changed the subject before Sulu could answer. "I hear they had a weapons demonstration earlier. I... hopeyoudidn't miss it."
"No, sir!" Sulu's face broke into its familiar wide grin. "It was one of the best parts of the evening!"
Kirk smiled warmly. "Glad to hear it, Mr. Sulu." He looked at Spock. "Come on, Spock, let's go watch the dancers. Enjoy the rest of the night, Sulu!"
Sulu stood there, holding his open communicator dumbly.
"The Lieutenant and Mr. Chekov will be beaming back down in a little while," came Scotty's voice over the airwaves. "Looks like everything's back to normal, Mr. Sulu, and ye can finally... relax?"
"Yes, sir!" Sulu straightened up and began to walk out into the streets again. "You'll get rid of that tape as soon as you can?"
"Aye," said Scotty. "Ah'll burn it in the incinerators and have it sucked out into the engines, even." They both chuckled.
The rest of the night flowed on without event, and all of the Enterprise crew members who had been on Shore Leave enjoyed the rest of their evening immensely. Uhura and her male companions won several flower-shaped candles at the amateur betting tables, and Spock was overjoyed to find that the dancers Kirk wanted to badly to watch based their dance on basic mathematical principals of physics and astronomy.
Fodak Teacup and her helmsman zoomed out of the star system to avoid any trouble that the Enterprise crew wished to put her through. It wasn't long before she was in Romulan space, bartering for a new camera. Next stop: the Praetor's harem. Through rain nor snow nor ion storm nor Starfleet, the smut must continue.
Scotty fully intended to destroy the famous data tape. It was in his pocket when he beamed Uhura and Chekov back down to the planet, and it was still in his pocket when he beamed everybody back up when Shore Leave was over. It was not, however, in his pocket when he left Sickbay forty-five minutes later with an Ace bandage over his freshly sprained ankle. Instead, it had fallen into a crevice in the sheets of the bio-bed where he had been resting.
....which was just where it was three hours later, when it was found by soon-to-be slash-fan Christine Chapel....