THE TEAPOT DOME SCANDAL

"Henyaw," Spock read slowly and deliberately. "A Capellan animal whose closest Terran analogue is the wolverine--a musky and ferocious predator. The tea's name may be most accurately translated as 'Claws of Henyaw'."

"Please tell me that's a poetic name and not the chief ingredient."

"There is no guarantee of that, Captain," Spock cautioned him with his usual nonchalance. "The Henyaw's musk may be a key factor in the flavor of the tea."

"Never mind," said Kirk with a grimace. "Not my thing. What about this? Daah--jole-- no, jeel-- Hey, it's Darjeeling!" He shook his head in amusement.

"No doubt as exotic to the Capellans as their claw tea is to you."

"This menu's huge--there are too many choices!" Kirk said admiringly as he flipped through the rest of the booklet. "I've never been to an Andorian teahouse before. Spock, what do you recommend?"

"My experience in this area is also limited. I can explain the flavor of the Vulcan teas, if you prefer," Spock offered.

"I know about those already--this one tastes like broccoli water, this one's asparagus water..." Kirk flipped through the book again. "Hey, I recognize that word! It means 'delicious'. 'Most delicious tea' from the Tellarite homeworld."

"An interesting endorsement," Spock said with a hint of skepticism.

"Well, I have no idea what else to order--I'm getting that one." Kirk closed the book and motioned for the teahouse attendant.

The blue-skinned man was at their table in seconds. "Yes, Captain?"

Kirk was momentarily taken aback. "You know who I am?"

"Of course," said the Andorian. "You are both famous. The Vulcan who they say returned from the dead and the Human captain who was demoted for saving him. We honor your decision, Captain--family is very important to Andorians."

Kirk put the emotion stirred up by these words into his pocket and pointed to his menu. "Thank you. Uh, I'd like a pot of this, please."

The Andorian bowed slightly. "With pleasure. And you, Captain?" he asked, turning to Spock.

Spock ordered a Vulcan tea--the one that tasted like broccoli water. "Where's your sense of adventure?" Kirk teased him sotto voce.

"I am not familiar with the ingredients in many of these beverages," Spock explained. "I wish to avoid any unpredictable biological results."

"Logical," Kirk muttered cheerfully.

The Andorian told them their tea would be ready in a few minutes and they waved him away with polite thanks. "The Andorians know all about what happened last year?" Kirk said, when they were alone.

"It does make for a fairly sensational story, Jim," Spock picked up the uniform jacket Kirk had discarded behind him when they'd arrived and folded it more neatly. "Wherever you go and whatever you do, you will always make a name for yourself."

Kirk smirked. "I guess I should be used to that."

In a short while, the Andorian returned with their tea and disappeared discretely behind his curtains of velvety green.

"Reminds me of mint," Kirk commented as he took his first sip. "Wow! And spicy! Took a minute for it to hit me." He blinked a few times and shook his head. "And now I taste... butterscotch?"

"A combination of many complex flavors. Do you find it agreeable?" Spock drained his own cup quickly, as he had been longing for real (not synthesized) Vulcan tea for months. He poured himself a refill.

Kirk nodded. "The Tellarites were right. Most delicious!" He took a long draft, then wiped his forehead, falling silent as he studied the liquid. "Spock, do you know anything about this tea?"

"Only that it is Tellarite," said Spock.

"Do you smell... alcohol in this?" He held his cup to Spock's nose.

"I perceive no ethanol in your beverage." Spock studied him, and then with already some idea of the answer dancing in his mind, asked, "Why?"

Kirk put his cup down on the table and looked at Spock. "My body... feels... strange."

"You do not want to admit that an unknown ingredient in your tea has given you an instant erection," Spock volunteered.

Kirk grinned sheepishly and played with his temple. "If there ever were such a thing as a bad hard-on, this is going from bad to worse pretty quickly."

"The risk of unknown ingredients--"

Kirk held up one hand, the other suddenly pressed to his pants. "It's becoming painful. Spock, do you have your tricorder?"

The Vulcan already had it in his hands and quickly scanned him. "Your life is not in danger."

"Tell that to my dick. If your... uh.... Time is anything like this, no wonder you throw food around the room." Kirk was nearly doubled over.

"Leave everything to me." Spock gulped down his second cup of tea and then strode across the room to the gap in the green curtains.

In the tea preparation area behind the curtains, he found the Andorian attendant who had served them. "May I help you, Captain Spock?" said the blue man, his antennae standing at attention.

"Yes," Spock said cagily. "Is there a private area in the tearoom where we may be unobserved for a time?"

"Yes, sir," said the Andorian. "I will show you." He led Spock back to the main area, where Spock was relieved to find that Kirk was sitting upright again, his jacket across his waist. Spock motioned for Kirk to follow him. Kirk stood, holding his the jacket in place.

"This is the storeroom of our excess servingware," the Andorian explained as he opened a door they hadn't noticed, as it was partially hidden by another curtain. "You will find yourselves quite well hidden."

"Thank you," said Spock. Kirk was only able to nod.

As soon as the Andorian had left them alone behind a closed door, Kirk sank down onto the floor and flung his jacket away from his groin. His erection rose straight up from his open fly, reaching for a friend.

Spock wasted no time with talk. He sat down between Kirk's legs and opened his mouth.

It didn't take Kirk long to come but as the spasms subsided, he held Spock in place. "I..." he gasped, "don't know what's wrong, but... it still... hurts... it still wants you."

"As a young man," Spock told him as he stroked the inflamed genitalia affectionately, "my interest in males led me to read a sacred text intended for Vulcan females. In guarded terms, the text described many aspects of pon farr, including techniques for relieving the most persistent of desires." He wiped a layer of sweat from Kirk's brow with the lining of Kirk's jacket.

Kirk looked amused. "Did anyone catch you reading it?"

"I told the temple librarian I had selected it at random to practice my translation of Vulcan into Terran Standard."

"A likely story." Kirk grinned. "Let's see these secret techniques."

Spock placed his hand across Kirk's temple. "My mind to your mind."

Kirk's inner consciousness was aflame, but luckily, Spock found it far less aggressive than his own time of burning. He left his hand there and used the other one to help him guide Jim's persisting erection into his mouth.

Kirk groaned with need as he felt Spock's warm, tugging mouth closing around him again. He thrust carefully, but as he thrust he realized Spock was sucking him much farther in than ever before.

Spock had taken him all the way in and was also somewhat clumsily licking at his balls with the tip of his tongue. Kirk transmitted a wash of love and heightened ecstasy through the meld. //Terrans call this deep-throating,// he volunteered. Then he was too aroused to even think in Standard, and came somewhere far beyond Spock's hardworking mouth.

It took four more orgasms, but the effects of the tea subsided eventually. They lay on the floor curled up in each other's arms, panting from their contrapuntal exertions. "Thank you..." Kirk whispered, exuding an aura of relief. He began to kiss his Spock.

Then, suddenly, Spock's lips were ripped from his mouth as the Vulcan sprang towards the door. "Captain, there are intruders in the tearoom."

"What?" Kirk quickly put himself back together, jacket and all, and stood up. "You hear something?"

Spock listened carefully at the door for a long time to voices Kirk could only hear, not understand. Then he explained, "The mayor of this city came into this tearoom as a customer, taking the table we had vacated. He had with him only one bodyguard. They have now both been taken hostage by what appears to be a small band of local terrorists. They speak of making demands to the public."

"Can you tell how many of them there are?"

"Judging from the differences in voice, I should hypothesize a band of five. Unless, of course, one or more of them are ventriloquists."

"Creative, Mr. Spock. What are our options?"

"We have phasers," said Spock, "but so do they. However, we also have a considerable arsenal of teapots, cups, spoons, and serving trays at our disposal."

"Maybe we could give them... paper cuts with... packets of sugar," Kirk quipped. "So we're outnumbered. What would really help us is a diversion, but even if I made some noise and drew their attention in here that'd still leave plenty of them out there to guard the mayor." He was playing with his phaser. "Looks like the fuel cell is practically drained." He handed it to Spock.

"It was green when we left?"

"Of course. I checked. Could this be that flaw in the new fuel cells that you and Scotty were going on about?"

"Most likely. I would be surprised if it is actually drained; more likely we're looking at a failure in the electrical control circuits." Spock eyed the unit with restrained disgust.

"And your phaser?"

"Operative. Mr. Scott and I retained some of the old fuel cells and a charger when the conversion was made."

"You mean 'diverted,'" Kirk grinned.

"This does mean we are down to one phaser; I am uncertain how to override your unit without causing an explosion."

"Understood. We'll just have to improvise." Kirk lifted the largest teapot and studied it, thinking. "What we could really use... is an external diversion."

"The Enterprise is on the opposite side of the system at the moment and will not return for two point four hours," Spock reminded him.

"I know." Kirk stared into the teapot as if it were a crystal ball. "You mentioned ventriloquism earlier. Did they teach that anywhere in the Super Secret Vulcan Sex Manual?"

"I regret that I have never become skilled in the art of ventrilo--"

Just then, their attention was drawn by a large clatter beyond the door, accompanied by loud whistling. Kirk took one look at Spock and hissed, "Now!"

They burst through the door, each aiming a weapon--Spock with his phaser, Kirk with his teapot. Spock picked off the two slower of the attackers with his phaser, but two more dashed for Kirk. He ducked to avoid their phaser fire and then leapt up again to bash one over the head with his teapot. The china broke against the second one's head as he slumped to the floor to join his companions.

The fifth miscreant, a large woman who could have been a bouncer at a club, was attempting to force the mayor and his guard out of the room with a phaser held at each of their heads. She would have succeeded had not the teahouse attendant blocked her way and distracted her until Kirk and Spock could overcome her strength.

Within minutes she was their prisoner, breathing heavily and glowering at the room, and the mayor's guard was on his communicator calling for backup as he tightened her ropes.

One of the now-bound men on the floor was starting to come to. When the leader noticed him stirring, she started to scream at him. "You idiot! You fucking idiot! Why did you lose your concentration? You saw the hidden door! Why wasn't your phaser aimed at its every move?!"

The teahouse attendant smiled proudly at Kirk. "That was my doing, Captains. I consider it an honor to have assisted your mission."

"Our... mission?"

"As soon as Mayor Thyne took your place at the west table, I knew you and your companion had required a hiding place in order to protect him from one of the city's gangs. I knew he must have had prior warning of the attack and enlisted the help of famous Starfleet heroes. Your plot to foil the gang has been a great success."

"Thank you... for your participation," Kirk said in an officious tone.

"Please," the Andorian offered, gesturing back towards the west table, "have another pot of tea, both of you. On the house!" He grinned.

Kirk shot Spock a significant glance, mulling over the soreness all of his thrusting off the floor had caused in his rear end, then looked back at the attendant. "Do you have Orange Pekoe?"

Back to that strawberry-infested menu with all my other K/S fanfic